until again

The Moon Seven Times. “paris luna”, from the album, the moon seven times.

Take what was, no matter how long it’s been.
Some part is always floating up again.
Take my hand so I can let go of what they say.
Let the blood boil between our skin as it won’t someday.
The winds of heaven swooned so far from the way I had planned,
and as I raced around from room to room, they stayed with me, where I ran.

Once the quiet waves kept me pinned to your arm,
and they held me to a promise not to kick so hard.
Summer dies, and its passion is sneaking down the stairs.
May the blood boil between us everywhere.
The winds of heaven swooned so far from the way I had planned,
and as I raced around from room to room, I was everywhere I ran.

We are only the way we are for a while.
There is nothing to lose any time.
The winds of heaven swooned so far from the plan,
as I raced from room to room, I was everywhere I ran.

~~~~

we all have our muses

for some reason tonight (and oh how very sure i there is some reason to it), this one haunted me until i set it down. my muses do this to me from time to time, until i find a way to capture them in some form. why re-transcribing Lynn Canfield’s fine lyrics tonight was important, i’m not sure. but this album is definitely on my “it should be yours, too” list.

perhaps because so often, i feel this way. it’s one of those songs that i feel when i sing along to it. perhaps because the lyrics are so visual. there is a video to this song, but of course, that’s not how i see it in my mind. and that’s the particular beauty of the fine arts: the interpretation and internalization of a thing rarely equal the vision of its inception.

and the same is true for so many other things, the bulk of which have something or other to do with emotions, people, the world we live in, and life in general.

two points to whomever remembers the musical allusion of that last line.

this Easter weekend, several thousand of us will be participating in the first-ever “Blog Against Theocracy”. i am awaiting permission from the owner of Clean Cut Kid, where i do most of my political blogging, for us to support and participate the endeavor as a whole. i’m never quite sure how things will play out over there. there is also a chance i may get to guest-blog over at Mock, Paper, Scissors as well.

while i have nothing at all against religion per se (except for the way some people choose to abuse its power), i believe quite strongly that the recent, and still on-going, attempts by neoconservatives to emplace and enforce legislation that would represent theocratic rule needs to be stopped. there is no benefit to be had from an ideological reversion of several hundred years.

if you blog, i hope you’ll consider participating in “Blog Against Theocracy”. yes, the acronym would be BAT, because we are all no doubt batty, right? bah. i will not be cross-posting that content here, so you’ll need to check on CCK and MPS to see if we get the go-ahead.

thus proving that any time is a good time to wear poofy stuff in your hair….

~early April, 2005, just before her 6th birthday.

i hate days like today.

work-days like today, that is.

Thomas Knoll, who is one the extreme end of “genius” in my mind, and who writes the Camera Raw specification for Adobe, has unfortunately flinched a couple of times in the past. The end result being that “automatic” settings for digital photos taken a couple of years ago are by no remote means today, how they looked a couple of years ago. Which, since my business model encourages brides and grooms to come back on their first anniversaries or whenever to get their wedding albums, means that i have to spend an entire workday reprocessing over thirteen thousand photographs from 2005 alone—and that’s just weddings. well, not necessarily each file, but those i left as “automatic” because it seemed to provide the best mix of shadow, highlight, contrast, and….gah….a myriad of other settings that i would rather not have to readdress after such a long time.

that having been said, though, i’m thoroughly pleased with how the latest version of Adobe Camera Raw works, both in Lightroom and PhotoShop, so what the hell. it’s a bit inconvenient, but i’ll get over it….and myself.

the rest of today has been cool. we haven’t heard from The Elder and Unknown in a while, but that’s okay; she has her own reality to deal with, and i’m sure juggling her mother’s feelings about “all that” haven’t exactly been easy….or comfortable. the other two beasts….er….children are doing just fine. i think we’ve found a better place for #1 Son to go to school next year, and the program they have in place for #1 Daughter will support her for another three years.

so, while the computer sat and churned for roughly three hours, re-ingesting and meta-tagging thirteen thousand-plus photographs, i got a wild hair up my ass and shaved all my facial hair. it’s been a while since i did that—summer of 2005, in fact. i hate being predictable. #1 Son says i look old. #1 Daughter says i look young. pfft. whatever. the cats still love me.

one of the nice things about sunrise and sunset photos is that you’re never really sure which is which unless the photographer tells you or you happen to know the scene. but of course, since i’m not much of an east-coaster, i’m sure you can figure this one out. the title of it kind of helps, too, i guess.

this happened basically by accident. i was shooting the sun in and out of clouds, and while i was tracking the bird, the sun came fully into a gap, and whoosh, there was a lot of red light. luckily, i had the aperture squeezed tight and no permanent damage was done to the sensor. it was shot on my original D100 with my 80-400mm VR at 175mm (=262mm for 35mm comparison) in mid-January, 2004.

the mini-trips we took up and down the California coast while we lived in Camarillo are now a fond memory. at the time, it was sometimes a pain in the butt to do so much driving over a weekend, but now they are all treasured moments. if you’re out in Californa, please go stick your toes in the water for me.

much missed, much missed. south dakota has its own beauty, but it’s of a far different nature than the ever-evolving shore. if home is where the heart is, then i am never home.

and yet, of course, always home. i might miss Cali, but i don’t miss the rat-race, the grad students underselling weddings, the thump-thump-thump of passing cars in the night (yo!), the traffic, the…..

the following photograph is included on my Made In South Dakota website, pretentiously titled “Touching Elegance“. its original title was “tempered impatience”, but i figured that as a solitary image of a flower, the title would be irrelevant. in retrospect, i will probably go back and rename it to “tempered impatience”, because that original title should theoretically engender more personal interrelation on behalf of each viewer.

this photograph has always stood out in my mind when i think in terms of this “tempered impatience” beneath which i live. it’s not just about wanting to meet The Elder and Unknown; it’s about more parental and personal things than i can faithfully record here. it seems like i’ve been waiting for something more (and occasionally, something “better”) all my life. i don’t really feel that oppressed, but the impatience is almost always there.

i took this photo in my parents-in-law’s garden while we were waiting on all the paperwork to clear so that we could move into our house outside of Sioux Falls back in August of 2004. it was a week of limbo, of not knowing what exactly was to come, and only the first throes of #1 Son’s expressed dissatisfaction with the move.

we all handle adversity differently, no doubt. for myself, i’m not even sure that what has happened, or what is going on now, is even adversity per se. for me, it was a good time to shoot some flowers and force myself to relax. where has that time gone now?

this has been my desktop for a couple of months now. from the Albuquerque Botanical Gardens. i wish we could have been there when the wisteria was blooming.

i guess because this was my desktop during the most recent rush of concerns regarding The Elder and Unknown, i see this image in my mind quite often when i think about her. i wonder if she’s ever been to Albuquerque. i wonder a lot of things about her. this would have been a good place to contemplate such things.

meditations this morning were brief, but Integrity was once again a point of focus. sometimes i wish i didn’t have to worry about such things, but always, i am glad that i do.

seven months. surely that’s not as long as it seems sometimes. it’s 1/69th of my current life-span.

oh my, that was the wrong way to look at that. 1/69th? damn, i’m getting old.

the Spouse-Unit ‘s email conversations with The Elder and Unknown continue. I think my mom has gotten to thinking that since The Elder and Unknown is conversing directly with the Spouse Unit, I’m no longer interested in what transpires between The Elder and Unknown and Mom. It’s not a big deal; I simply die for more information.

The Elder and Unknown sent the Spouse-Unit some random photos the other day. My mom got a studio photo of The Elder and Unknown back when The Elder and Unknown was 7 or 8. When she shared it with me, I’ll admit to a bit of spiteful glee, because she looked quite a bit like me….without the beard, of course. Now….well….not so much. She now looks a bit more like her mother than me.

The tone of her exchanges with the Spouse-Unit is a lot less stressed, I think, so perhaps our slowly getting to know each other has had a positive impact on her life. Naturally, we hope it continues.

the Spouse-Unit asked me the other day (and several other people asked me the same question within a span of a week) if I was going to get The Elder and Unknown her own domain, like I did with #1 Son and #1 Daughter. The answer, ultimately, became “yes”. I don’t know why, really; it’s just a little thing I do. But eventually, it’ll be there for her if she wants it. Everyone should have a vanity domain, anyway. The hordes of MySpace can’t be allowed to take over the world, after all.

For the rest of it, I am content to let things progress at The Elder and Unknown’s speed and discretion. I can perceive positives for her no matter what course she chooses in our regards. Time will tell, and just as my family was there for me, we will be here for her whenever and however she chooses.

there was another reason for my wanting to hang out on the River Walk while the Spouse-Unit was down there. the vast majority of my adoptive mother’s watercolors is centered around the River Walk, and all of us used to accompany her to art shows and the like, many of which were hosted down on the River Walk as well. despite other issues, my return was a bit of homecoming in that regard, at least.

i said before that i shot the River Walk the most with the Lensbaby 3G because it does an effective job of how i probably actually saw things as a kid down there—focused upon whatever it was i was focused upon, and not much else. i saw a lot more on this trip than i shot, but i don’t think i saw enough.

(the double-entendres will be free today, by the way)

it took me the better part of fifteen years after i joined the Army to get full control over my creative expression again. i don’t blame anyone for that; it’s just the way things went, and my enlistment was entirely voluntary, albeit pressured. my adoptive mother always supported my musical endeavors, but never really encouraged any dabbling in the physical arts. in retrospect, i wish she had, but finding my own way into this was probably more appropriate in many regards.

if i could say anything to her, i would thank her for the artistic example, and even the inspiration, which she quietly and unobtrusively supplied. some of her old oil paintings are still in my head when i dream. and so very many of her works, as best as i can remember them, are what come to mind on those occasions when i slip and think of San Antonio as “home”.

(new light, recently unhidden, so i respond thusly….)

to The Elder and Unknown….

~would that i could undo what was done, and do what was left undone, without jeopardizing my personal integrity and dignity, and the obligation to Country undertaken in the hopes of supporting your brother, for whom i was unwillingly disallowed to provide.

~would that issues of honor and integrity never conflict, and would that they, in their inherent and natural antipathy, never compel the irrevocable choice between one or the other.

~would that you knew that when you have suffered, i have suffered with you—not to chastise you for causing me pain, but that you would know that you have never suffered alone.

~would that eighteen years be shorter, less heavier, and devoid of so much i will never know, nor fully understand.

~would that you know how very proud i am of you, for your responses to my wife espouse a dignity and comprehension far beyond what i possessed at your age.

to #1 Son and #1 Daughter….

~would that you be less like me, at least in some regards, but know that i admire and respect you both for those similarities, and for the differences that make you unique.

~would that you know that come what may, my heart and soul are yours, and i will never turn away from you just because something in our past is painful, hurtful, and wrapped in personal guilt. and that if ever i seem to do so, you must not accept it.

to Maurya….

~would that there was some way—any way—for me to know the daughter that i very much wanted to raise, without causing you any further pain whatsoever.

~would that i could undo what was done to you, and do what was left undone for you, without jeopardizing my personal integrity and dignity, and the obligation to Country undertaken in the hopes of supporting our son, for whom i was unwillingly disallowed to provide.

~would that you remember that once, i had given you everything that i was and desired to be, and would that the inadequacy, incompatibility, and immaturity of such could have been perceived before we caused each other such pain.

to the Spouse Unit….

~would that you accept my utmost regard and admiration for taking on the challenge that has become my life, and for standing beside me as i face the consequences for past actions that in no way anticipated or involved you.

~would that you continue to look past and through and over these scars and continue to perceive this person whom you honor with your love, as the person he has ever striven to be and never perceives himself capable of becoming.