only….
People ask me how I’m doing, and I answer, “I’m getting divorced,” because it sums up the mix of emotions and situations fairly well enough, although far less adequately than most people deserve in answer. I admit, it’s a lame response, an inadequate answer, a facile and abbreviated avoidance of the provision of a true reply, which would typically be a simplistic, “I’m good.”
I seem to have this natural tendency to make things sound worse than they really are, and that bothers me, because it is a quality which I abhor, and only barely tolerate, in others. I am, actually, doing quite well, but because the bulk of my time is spent in isolation, I find myself reaching out to people with whom I’d normally share very little, and at a depth which I’ve never wanted to share before. And all because my life is in a state of turmoil, which after roughly forty years of varying degrees of change, upheaval, and unrest, one might presume I could handle with a bit more facility.
I mostly do so; I just have this tendency to start along a path, from which I often, and quickly, have to pull back.
In some ways, “until again” is an attempt to forestall that tendency. I write in the hopes that once having written whatever it is I’m feeling at any given moment, I won’t have this intrinsic, insipid need to have it come dribbling from my lips in what is fast becoming my typical, self-deprecating fashion. Because I hate it about myself. I am, like most people, the most intolerant of what I view to be my own shortcomings, after all.
“until again,” is also an allusion to how I sign my personal letters to those with whom I am close. It is a “dawnnism” for “until we meet again” which I’ve been using since I was in my early twenties. I dropped the “we meet” from it because the sentiment had nothing to do with whether or not we might meet again in physical spaces. And of all the catchy blog names I’ve come up with for myself and others over time, it ultimately seemed the most apropos. For indeed, I greet you, and will continue to welcome you here, until (we fail to meet in the physical world) again.
So, I’m going through a divorce, but that’s just the very beginning of what I do not doubt will be a long and involved journey of the rediscovery of myself, as well as the redefinition of myself as an individual, a friend, and a father. For I am many things besides a pending divorcee, but all those things are changing along with me, and the person whom I was, and whom at least a few people across time have loved and admired, will never be again.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 30th, 2009 at 20:19 and is filed under rambling. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
on December 30th, 2009 at 21:37
It takes a great deal of insite to recognize yourself amongst all that is going on in your life.
You my dear sweet friend are stronger than many will ever have the ability of seeing.
I know that you are making choices within all that is happening to you that will lead you to a path of enlightenment which you have never experienced before..
Gods love will be shown to you on many levels.
You are and always have been a good man.
The adversity that is your current exsistance is revealing within you a far better one than you have been able to see for yourself.
It is my privelege to be here to see the ups and downs … to hear the pain in your voice and see the healing that you are choosing to accept… with each day that this journey progresses.
You are a blessing in my life..
A God send.
Thank you for being you. For looking beyond what you have known.
You have allowed me to see YOU… to have a glimpse into your soul.
A beautiful place.
I know that this is difficult and at times overwhelming.. and yet .. here you are.
I know that you are beyond your circumstances and are making your way into a new life.. a great life… a very different, but incredible life.
Good to see you finding your own… not what others think of you, or what you have grown to accept.
on December 31st, 2009 at 14:02
Good luck with everything. Glad to hear that you are “good”.
on January 6th, 2010 at 15:34
I still believe in you very much. I know your life is on the right track, and I wish you all the best.
on January 8th, 2010 at 11:12
thank you for your comments, all. sorry for the slow moderation here. i have several drafts in the works ~ ironic, because my writing is suddenly more prolific than ever, but nobody can see them yet, lol. thank you for being with me on this journey.
on January 9th, 2010 at 12:48
Dawnne , I realize that in its own way all that has transpired has been equalling thrilling and exhausting.. I am thankful that I am still here. Even as a spectator. Your words as always are beautiful, sad, moving, enlightening, and all at the same disheartening.. just because I know more than what you write. None the less obviously I am not willing to be disconnected completely from you again. I need to know whatever is feasable for me to know.. Crazy , I know , but.. well.. I am here.. I know that I dont mess with your life… however as long as you allow.. I will continue to be here..To see , to feel through your words, guarded as they may be… beautiful and yet incomplete.. just from knowing.. or atleast thinking I know.. I may not… maybe that is all there is to it.. maybe.. I have exaggerated “me” in your life.. regardless.. thank you for allowing me “here” in whatever way I can be.
and from the beautifully spoken words of a true friend:
always untill again
tlc
on January 9th, 2010 at 12:49
ugh.. equally ,… not equalling.. gosh… sorry.
on January 9th, 2010 at 12:51
man i should of proofed this first .. man.. mesh. with your life.. not mess.. lol.. great huh..