there was another reason for my wanting to hang out on the River Walk while the Spouse-Unit was down there. the vast majority of my adoptive mother’s watercolors is centered around the River Walk, and all of us used to accompany her to art shows and the like, many of which were hosted down on the River Walk as well. despite other issues, my return was a bit of homecoming in that regard, at least.

i said before that i shot the River Walk the most with the Lensbaby 3G because it does an effective job of how i probably actually saw things as a kid down there—focused upon whatever it was i was focused upon, and not much else. i saw a lot more on this trip than i shot, but i don’t think i saw enough.

(the double-entendres will be free today, by the way)

it took me the better part of fifteen years after i joined the Army to get full control over my creative expression again. i don’t blame anyone for that; it’s just the way things went, and my enlistment was entirely voluntary, albeit pressured. my adoptive mother always supported my musical endeavors, but never really encouraged any dabbling in the physical arts. in retrospect, i wish she had, but finding my own way into this was probably more appropriate in many regards.

if i could say anything to her, i would thank her for the artistic example, and even the inspiration, which she quietly and unobtrusively supplied. some of her old oil paintings are still in my head when i dream. and so very many of her works, as best as i can remember them, are what come to mind on those occasions when i slip and think of San Antonio as “home”.

(new light, recently unhidden, so i respond thusly….)

to The Elder and Unknown….

~would that i could undo what was done, and do what was left undone, without jeopardizing my personal integrity and dignity, and the obligation to Country undertaken in the hopes of supporting your brother, for whom i was unwillingly disallowed to provide.

~would that issues of honor and integrity never conflict, and would that they, in their inherent and natural antipathy, never compel the irrevocable choice between one or the other.

~would that you knew that when you have suffered, i have suffered with you—not to chastise you for causing me pain, but that you would know that you have never suffered alone.

~would that eighteen years be shorter, less heavier, and devoid of so much i will never know, nor fully understand.

~would that you know how very proud i am of you, for your responses to my wife espouse a dignity and comprehension far beyond what i possessed at your age.

to #1 Son and #1 Daughter….

~would that you be less like me, at least in some regards, but know that i admire and respect you both for those similarities, and for the differences that make you unique.

~would that you know that come what may, my heart and soul are yours, and i will never turn away from you just because something in our past is painful, hurtful, and wrapped in personal guilt. and that if ever i seem to do so, you must not accept it.

to Maurya….

~would that there was some way—any way—for me to know the daughter that i very much wanted to raise, without causing you any further pain whatsoever.

~would that i could undo what was done to you, and do what was left undone for you, without jeopardizing my personal integrity and dignity, and the obligation to Country undertaken in the hopes of supporting our son, for whom i was unwillingly disallowed to provide.

~would that you remember that once, i had given you everything that i was and desired to be, and would that the inadequacy, incompatibility, and immaturity of such could have been perceived before we caused each other such pain.

to the Spouse Unit….

~would that you accept my utmost regard and admiration for taking on the challenge that has become my life, and for standing beside me as i face the consequences for past actions that in no way anticipated or involved you.

~would that you continue to look past and through and over these scars and continue to perceive this person whom you honor with your love, as the person he has ever striven to be and never perceives himself capable of becoming.

(…and maybe will someday, for that matter)

i am very proud of The Elder and Unknown. she contacted the Spouse-Unit after our return home and apologized to her for not being able to meet with her. she has apparently been open with her mother and step-father about the Spouse Unit’s and #1 Son’s contact with her, and that has predictably created some upheaval in their household. i’m proud of her because she has been honest and forthright about all this with her family. at her age, i would have found some way to screw this type of thing up.

heck, at 22, i did screw this type of thing up.

and i still struggle emotionally with wanting to contact her. honoring the law behind the release of rights that i signed in her regard, as well as the social contract that represents between myself and her parents, continues to win, though. i doubt my contacting her now, despite her positive responses to the Spouse-Unit and #1 Son, would really “help” her in any way.

and i’ve waited this long.

if i could talk to her, i would tell her that i’m proud of her, like i just said. i would also try to make it clear that i never intended this to be so hard on her. irresponsibility has many ramifications, and most of them verged beyond my control to rectify or mitigate once i understood that i wasn’t going to be given a real chance to rectify or mitigate them.

i would tell her that she always has a place here, both in our hearts and in our home, should she ever desire to get to know us. i would tell her that she has always been a part of us.

and i would remind her, in case she hadn’t figured it out yet, that i was a complete jackass when she was born, so her mother’s fears in her meeting us and taking her rightful place in our family is only justified if you accept the belief that people don’t evolve, mature, and progress from the states they were in when last they were known to you.